It has begun. The sex talks. Crikey, how does one prepare themselves for this? So I’m bathing the boys last night and Lex asks me:
“Mum what are my balls for?”
Jax thinks this is a pretty good question and perks up considerably…
Firstly, I don’t know when balls entered their vocabulary, but it has, and secondly, my word you have to draw a big breath when that question is asked don’t you?
“Well boys, when you’re a little bit older and a very big boy, you’ll have tiny tiny tadpoles in your balls.”
“What’s a tadpole?” Jax asks.
“You know, like baby frogs are tadpoles, you’ll also have tadpoles in your balls. But they’ll be tiny and you won’t be able to see them.”
“What are they for mum?”
“Well the tadpoles go into the egg, which is in the ladies tummy, and that is how babies are made.”
Oh crap, that was useless! But the boys didn’t think so. They thought it was awesome. Lex immediately allocated sexes to his balls — girl babies in this one, boy babies in that one — and then of course, the next question was asked.
“But mum, how do my tadpoles get to the egg to make a baby. Does it go in the ladies mouth?”
Considering some of the nature documentaries they watch, this is not a bad observation, but obviously, it’s not correct. So I try and explain the process a little more…
“Well you see your doodle gets hard, and the tadpoles come out. You put your doodle in the ladies muey and the tadpoles travel to the egg and that is how a baby is made.”
This answer wasn’t providing enough clarity. They couldn’t put this concept together. Which is completely natural, because the structure of the muey remains alien to them for now…
So I finished with this very fine statement, wishing that Steve could come home right now to help me in this discussion: “listen guys, there is one thing I can promise you. When the time comes, you’re going to enjoy it a lot OK.”
“Oh look guys, something shiny.”
There endeth the lesson and I know it won’t be my last sex talk. So many things I should’ve said differently. Why did I say tadpoles and not sperm? But tadpole makes more sense right? AHHHHHHH the only thing I care about is they grow up comfortable with sex. I don’t want it to be weird. Fascinating sure, but not weird. I got enough of that shit in my upbringing.
So I’ve had my first rehearsal, but may my skit improve.
Any advice for those with more experience than I?
Yours, without the bollocks
You can find years worth of Without the Bollocks at my blog. I’m on Twitter here, Google+ here, and Facebook too, if you’re interested in the other stuff I share. Feel free to share my blog if you think anyone else you know will be interested or amused xxxxx